"It seems like this term things are suddenly starting to unfold for you," my acting professor said, smiling.
And they are. I'm beginning to feel deft and able and strong in my craft for the first time ever. It's not like some thunder-and-lightning revelation... it's much quieter than all that. But it's sweet and lovely and long-desired.
One of the clearest moments of recognition came during callbacks this past weekend. At a certain point I realized that I wasn't letting my perpetual fear of failure hold me back or crush me. I was really letting my love for the play and the role I was up for flow out of me. I couldn't stop smiling. I've never felt so happy and safe during an audition.
And I got the part. A lead role in a gorgeous play about magic and love and the nature of acting/theatre/illusion/reality that will have me on stage in full 18th century French dress - ten to fifteen pounds of gorgeous period costume. It's been a long time coming and I cannot fucking wait.
Not everything is rosy, though. It's tough to (re-)realize that being happy about one things doesn't keep you from being sad about others. Primarily, I lament the my lack of solid friendships at university. People who want me around outside of campus. I love a lot of people here, and I guess they like me all right, but I've felt for years now that (with the exception of the people I live with) my physical existence goes almost entirely unnoticed and unlooked-for outside of class and the hyperaffection of the internet. It's a shitty and lonely and sometimes utterly insufferable way to feel, but I'm a tough cookie and I know I'll be all right.
When I started college I believed with my whole heart that if my classes were stimulating and challenging and if I got to be involved in shows I wouldn't even need friends. It was an incredibly naive way for me to deal with my near-paralyzing social anxiety, but I took it as truth for a long time.
I treasure small moments. The boy in my class who brought us all white roses for Valentine's Day. The day four of us sat on stage long after classes had ended and just held each other and talked and cried. The "we should hang out I mean, for real this time"s. The few stolen hours of tea and conversation. I am truly grateful for these things.
But enough of that icky personal stuff.
My beautiful Zana Bayne harness came in the mail today! I couldn't truly afford it, but it was way way way on sale (they never have sales) and I've been mooning over Zana's merchandise for over a year. I had this whole plan to contact the company and ask how they source their leather (or get a pvc version [but pvc < leather, so]) so I could decide whether or not I'd been willing to sidestep my personal ethics for the sake of an investment piece like this, but it went on sale and I joypanicked and bought it. It's pointless to feel shitty about it now, and I know I'll have it (and love it) for, like, ever. No regrets (just occasional twinges of guilt). My one complaint is that when I detach the collar, the center strap sags and disrupts its own line. Poo. I'd love to be able to wear it both ways... maybe I'll figure something out.
Hope your day has been replete with people and things that you love,